Wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We had some drinks, cool guy, wants to be a web developer.

Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Daniel.

My son’s Math Teacher called him average.
I think he’s mean.

I just watched a video of a drill.
It was a bit boring.

You know what actually makes me smile?
My facial muscles.

Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Because it’s too far to walk.

To be Frank,
I’d have to change my name.

Never take advice from electrons.
They are always negative.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad
I take something for it.

Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days?
Dunno, they’re just a bit shady.

Whiteboards
are remarkable.

My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together.
I totally nailed it!

Two muffins were sitting in an oven, and the first looks over to the second, and says, “man, it’s really hot in here”. The second looks over at the first with a surprised look, and answers,
“WHOA, a talking muffin!”

They tried to make a diamond shaped like a duck.
It quacked under the pressure.

What do you call a bee that lives in America?
A USB.

I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger,
then it hit me.

I was just looking at my ceiling. Not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world,
but it’s definitely up there.

Why did the half blind man fall in the well?
Because he couldn’t see that well!

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.

What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.
She gave me a hug.

What did the big flower say to the little flower?
“Hi, bud!”

What did one wall say to the other wall?
I’ll meet you at the corner!

What did one plate whisper to the other plate?
Dinner is on me.

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.

I have a clean conscious,
it’s never been used.

What’s the difference between a man’s wallet before and after kids?
There are pictures where the money used to be.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in four years.
I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!

My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday.
That’s ridiculous, I didn’t even know it was today!

What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account?
Prime mates.

Where do boats go when they’re sick?
To the dock.

Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind.
It’s tearable.

We have the perfect dad-son relationship.
You’re my son, and I’m perfect!

To the guy who stole my antidepressants.
I hope you’re happy now.

Why don’t ants get sick?
They have anty-bodies.

Ever tried to eat a clock?
It’s time-consuming.

What did one hat say to the other?
You wait here. I’ll go on a head.

I am a simple person, I see my parents angry,
I hide my phone.

What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet?
A desserter

Which table fits in the fridge? VegeTABLE

My wife keeps telling me that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met in her life.
I’m not buying it!